On Compassion

Compassion is a difficult thing.  Difficult, because the word is plagued by misrepresentation in Hallmark greeting cards and sappy commercials guilting you into spending "just a dollar a day" to feed some kid in a war-torn nation.  It is much maligned by war-mongers (of which our nation has an abundance), and capitalists alike.  Especially those clinging desperately to ideas of Social Darwinism to justify the destruction and destitution of many for the profit of a few.

But what about "real compassion".  The Wikipedia definition says:

Compassion is a virtue — one in which the emotional capacities of empathy and sympathy (for the suffering of others) are regarded as a part of love itself, and a cornerstone of greater social interconnection and humanism — foundational to the highest principles in philosophy, society, and personhood.

Well shit, highest foundations of society and personhood, huh?  I think America fails at compassion.  That's a digression though... or maybe it's the kernal.  Anyways, it's not exactly what I have to say right now.

Compassion for the kid over in Rwanda whom you could feed for "a dollar a day"  is meaningless.  Well, it is meaningful, but that's not where we start.  That compassion is too big.  In order for that compassion to be meaningful, I can't just send a dollar a day to Rwanda.  I have to examine every part of my individual life to asses how the life I live helps to create that poverty.  And then begin to change things.  That's how the scale works.  And most people aren't ready to start on that scale.

But again, to have compassion for those in abject poverty and suffering, that is obvious and easy.  Because their suffering is more abstract.  The closer to home the suffering gets, the more difficult it is to have compassion.  Sure, send a dollar a day to the kids in Rwanda, but those assholes down the street on wellfare, well they're just lazy sonsofbitches sucking the teat of the state dry, wasting my tax money.  They probably traded all their food stamps for drug money.

But this is still a digression.  Because it is always easier to have compassion for someone who is obviously suffering, obviously in a lower and weaker position than you.  But what about having compassion for those above you or equal to you?  Compassion for your boss who made you work overtime and miss your daughter's dance recital.  Compassion for the police officer who pulled you over for speeding five miles over the speed limit on a country road.  Compassion for a friend who has betrayed your confidence and stolen your lover.  That compassion is the most difficult.  Because it is the most likely to be labeled as weakness.  Above all else, it requires compassion for yourself.

Ah, now that's the seed.  Compassion for yourself.  That is the most difficult.  That is the one that requires the most courage and resolve.  It requires acknowledging your needs and your weaknesses, and focusing on them long enough to figure out how to fulfill them.  It requires that you pursue what you need first, above the needs of others, but also that you accept and live with the consequences.  To be so honest with oneself can be terrifying.  There is a pagan saying, "Where there is fear, there is power."  To be compassionate with yourself is to face your fears.  To find the power within yourself and manifest it in the world.

And what about having compassion for your boss?  Or the friend who seems to be walking all over your emotions and taking advantage of your generosity?  Compassion doesn't mean not standing up to exert your desires.  But maybe it means understanding that this person is on their own path, and is acting out of an attempt to fulfill their needs as best they know how with the tools they have.  And if there is conflict, maybe compassion means being brave enough to acknowledge the conflict, give it full voice and express your anger and hurt and resentment and then maybe to start to heal the conflict.  For me, compassion means giving myself permission to express anger when I feel it, to the person making me angry.  To stand up for myself and assert my needs, because only by communicating my anger can the wound that causes it truly start to heal.

And perhaps compassion also means to sometimes decide that a need is not a need.  Or that the need of another is greater.  But only when I am truly honest with myself about my feelings and intentions can I tell the difference.  Maybe that is the wisdom that comes with age and experience and self-reflection.  So compassion is also an ongoing, lifelong journey.

All I know is, people need more compassion.  With compassion comes courage, integrity, power, and beauty.  Hell, who doesn't want those things? People who are convinced that they need to live inside their own personal hell, that's who.

Ginger