The words "free radical" also feel right. Very close to my current psychological and spiritual state. Now, more than ever before, I am succeeding at becoming myself. "Fulfilling my destiny" sounds a little too melodramatic and pretentious, but something along the lines of becoming the person I imagine myself to be in my dreams. Resolving cognitive dissonance, to me, means finding a balance: between being fully present to each moment and enjoying life to the fullest extend with things such as they are, and at the same time striving to change the discomforting and upsetting things in myself and the world around me.
The biggest cognitive dissonance I find staring me in the face on a daily basis is thus:
Cars: gasoline powered personal vehicles, and all of the infrastructure and economy that comes along with them... are destroying our society, environment, and personal health. "Cars" themselves are not the problem, per say. But the paradigm in which it is considered more "efficient" to use a two ton combustion vehicle to convey individual human across town, rather than for them to use a bicycle, or for our society to invest in public transportation, or to even take the time to walk a long ways. This situation is only really "efficient" within an extremely narrow set of parameters, excluding a vast array of other conditions and factors. (I could go on here, but I think I'll dedicate this rant to a separate post). But, on a daily basis, I find it necessary to drive a vehicle, either for work or borrowed from a friend for an errand, consume gasoline, and otherwise continue to feed the monster. Hence the bicycle project...
The same basic idea is similarly and succinctly argued in this poster, regarding the plastic spoon:
This very basic dissonance is at the heart of most of my current motivations in life. The underlying paradigm that feeds this reality in our society feels very, very wrong. On a daily basis, it makes me want to kick and scream and shake people (especially co-workers) and tear things down and fuck shit up. But I can't, because that wouldn't really be productive. So I channel all that energy into various ways that I can reduce the influence of cars and petroleum in my life.
Right now it seems like I have two paths available to me (the dichotomy here is entirely linguistic - there are infinite paths and options, but for ease of discussion there are two main themes).
One is to become a Commercial Building Energy Consultant. Or at least, to continue further down the path of being an Energy Auditor / Consultant. The opportunities are certainly there. It has the potential to be very lucrative. Or least provide a stable income. And it is totally within the realm of "working for a greater change". It also involves a lot of computer work, data analysis, dressing and acting more in the official "Consultant" role. Things that would all be Challenging Growth Opportunities... or would I really just be fighting against my inner nature to try and fit a role I'm not sure I'm comfortable with...? If I do this, it will have to be on my own terms. In the past, when I've tried to fit myself into some corporate image of "The Professional" everything just feels wrong and icky. But the options and possibility to pursue this Energy Consultant path are definitely there. I could take it and run with it and rock the shit out of that shit.
The other path is less clear. It feels warm and fuzzy. Down that path I see art, and earthen building, and community, and a near constant struggle for money and stability. But also glory. This path seems like the path of being a construction contractor, but just using that as an umbrella for whatever project I get engaged in at any particular time. This path involves getting paid to do my art. It involves building earthen houses in Seattle. It involves transforming myself into the community leader I want to be, to push and cajole people to get to know their neighbors and work together to grow food and build shit and work less and spend more time with their families. This path also holds the adventures and travels and spiritual work that I feel so called to do. It is more radical. Fuck sitting at a computer running models and numbers to figure out how Albertsons can use less energy, or even be Net Zero. I want to completely reconceive the building from the ground up (ok, yes, it is really important to work with the existing structure to make improvement, I just think that work is the wrong fit for me...). I want to reconceive the community it serves, and the concept of the grocery store in the first place. How can we expand farmers' markets and CSA's and urban farming to bring people closer to the source of their food and reconnect them to the earth, to the cycles of life?
Choosing one path does not necessarily exclude the other path, but as my dad has told me many times, "you gotta focus on something." I gotta pick a thing and put my energy into it, to the exclusion of other things, in order to get good, to get into the craft of a thing. Right now I choose earthen building. It feels right.
But maybe I am also choosing to be a generalist. I feel confident about my current choice to do earthen building, but I'm already looking beyond that to think of what I'll do in 15 or 20 or maybe five years, when my body stops cooperating with this choice. Maybe the two paths I see now are not divergent, but will be woven together in a way I have yet to conceive. As a generalist, maybe I can help span the gaps within each area of focus (farming, building, transportation, community) so that we can reconceive a healthier society.
Of course, for now, all of this is posturing. I'm not personally involved in any long-term community groups, or working to build any particular structures. I just have ideas. For now, I'm still incubating and growing and moving around too much to work on building the things I'm thinking about. But I've got plans. For now, step one is building the FreeRadical.
wow that freeradical costs more than my bike lolz. I really like the spoon popster. gonna put it on my blog later today. !!!
ReplyDelete